Tenay: Welcome to the debut of XIWA Assault. I'm The Professor, Mike Tenay. Joining me in the play-by-play for tonight's matches is none other than "The Living Legend," Larry Zbyszko.
The fans begin to chant "Larry... Larry... Larry..." Zbyszko stands up, turns around and gives a gesture of recognition to the crowd, then sits down and puts his headset back on.
Zbyszko: It's great to be here, and it's great to be me!
Tenay: We're here in the heartland of America. The Five Seasons Center here in Cedar Rapids, Iowa is pack to the rafters. This is going to be an explosive night of action Legend.
Zbyszko: All the farm hands must be outta the fields. They must have forgotten to shower before coming. This place smells like sh...
Tenay: AND... the first match on the slate tonight pits Y2J against D-Cycle.
Zbyszko: It's the Lionfart against the Tricycle. Pick the best of the worst outta this one.
Tenay: Legend, Jericho is an accomplished wrestler and D-Cycle is a promising future superstar in the XIWA.
Zbyszko: Those two? The couldn't pin a corsage.
Tenay: Next comes Rhyno and Triple H. Both are newcomers and gunning for that illusive XIWA strap.
Zbyszko: The only strap those two will be getting tonight is my belt if they bring their sweaty bodies this way.
Tenay: Two of XIWA's most unusual wrestlers face off in a Street Fight Match. Heltah Skeltah will grapple the Midnight Rider. Special guest referee foro this match will be L.J. "THe Hitman" Randall.
Zbyszko: Fans will remember a few weeks ago when Midnight Crier interfered in the Hitman's match versus the Undertaker. I'm not picking sides, but if the Hitman couldn't beat the 7 foot dead-man-walking stiff, he doesn't deserve to be in the ring.
Tenay: Will the Hitman be looking for sweet revenge? We'll find out later tonight folks.
Zbyszko: That leaves the stain event, Tenay.
Tenay: That would be the MAIN event Legend. We've got the battle of the giants once again. Hellfire squaring off against the Undertaker.
Zbyszko: Like I said so magificently before, if you can't beat THAT stiff, you don't belong in the ring.
Tenay: Here are a few highlights from this past Monday Night Carnage.
Zbyszko: Roll that beautiful bean footage...
The screen and X-trons begin to flash the XIWA logo followed by Carnage footage. A scene of Double J slamming SSM's head into the hood of a black Chevy truck. The crowd boos loudly. The scene switches to Hurrican Helms striking his best superhero pose. The crowd laughs. The scene switches to the Hitman applying a Sharpshooter to Midnight Rider. The crowd is filled with cheers and booing. The scene switches to Hunter giving Trish the Razor's Edge. The crowd boos. The scene switches to Double J giving SSM the Stroke. The crowd boos wildly and chants of "Shotgun" and "Draka" are heard throughout the arena. The scene fades to the XIWA logo, then back to Tenay and Zbyszko.
Tenay: You saw it folks. Some shocking footage to say the least. A stunning upset with Hasha Koroshiya and Jeff Jarrett winning the tag team battle.
Zbyszko: Do you think Double J can claim the damage to his truck as "an act of God," seeing how he IS the Chosen One?
Tenay: I don't think so Legend. And how about that cat-fight with Trish and Hunter?
Zbyszko: I think out ratings peaked during that match, if you know what I mean.
Tenay: Well, our first match of Assault is on the way. Here comes the man called Y2J, Chris Jericho.
Zbyszko: Spare me the initials and get me a champ, not a chump.
The X-Tron lights up and Jericho's theme begins to play as he walks out to the ramp. Jericho runs down the ramp and hops into the ring and climbs a turnbuckle. He raises his fists over his head. The fans are mixed in an array of cheers and jeers.
Tenay: Looks like Jericho is all about business tonight.
Zbyszko: He should be. His opponent is one bad mother...
Tenay: AND... here is Jericho's opposition. A man named Justin "D.Cycle" Lee.
Zbyszko: What is this? Hip-hop night in the farmfields?
D-Cycle's theme, "Number 1" by Nelly begins to blare through the arena. He comes out from under the X-Tron and makes his way to the ring with his manager, Mike Watson. He hops up to the apron and motions for the referee to move Jericho back from the ropes. The referee motions Jericho to step back. D-Cycle enters the ring and runs over to Jericho. The referee ducks, then D-Cycle punches Jericho in the head. The referee motions for the bell.
Tenay: Looks like our match is under way. Both men seem to want to prove themselves here tonight.
Zbyszko: They might, but then again what would this crowd know about tallent?
D-Cycle hits Jericho back into the corner. Jericho drops to his knees, begging D-Cycle to stop. D-Cycle raises his hands in a double axe-handle and starts to come down towards Jericho. Jericho raises his arm in a low blow. D-Cycle doubles over. Jericho chops D-Cycle across the chest. Jericho with a standing drop kick. Jericho goes for the pin. 1, 2... D-Cycle kicks out. Jericho with fists to the head. The ref counts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... Jericho pulls D-Cycle up to his feet. Jericho goes for a suplex. D-Cycle reverse it into a brainbuster. Both men on the mat. The ref counts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... D-Cycle up to one knee. D-Cycle grabs Jericho by the hair and slams his head into the turnbuckle. D-Cycle grabs Jericho's arm and sends him across the ring to the opposite corner. D-Cycle runs at Jericho and splashes him into the corner. D-Cycle hip tosses Jericho to the middle of the ring. D-Cycle to the top rope. D-Cycle goes for a top rope elbow drop. Jericho rolls away and D-Cycle misses.
Tenay: D-Cycle with a missed opportunity on the atomic elbow drop. Jericho up and looking for revenge.
Zbyszko: Chris should lay off the Jerichohol and try wrestling for once. Don't these kids know ANYTHING about wrestling?
Jericho with a scoop slam and a quick cover. 1, 2... D-Cycle kicks out. Jericho picks D-Cycle up and tosses him into the ropes. Jericho goes for a back body drop. D-Cycle stops short and DDT's Jericho. D-Cycle goes for the pin. 1, 2... Jericho puts his foot on the rope. D-Cycle hooks the leg and goes for the pin again. 1, 2... Jericho kicks out. D-Cycle moves over to the ref and asks for a faster count. Mike Watson hits Jericho with a foreign object. Jericho out cold. D-Cycle picks up Jericho and waves his hand in the air.
Tenay: A little help from his manager, D-Cycle gets control. Here it comes, Legend. We will see the Dragon Death Dominator for the first time on TV. This move is spectacular.
Zbyszko: Maybe so, but why hasn't this punk beaten Y2Jackass yet? I've seen better moves in a senior home.
D-Cycle picks Jericho up and executes a bone crushing Dragon Death Dominator. D-Cycle goes for the pin. 1, 2, 3... The ref signals for the bell. He raises D-Cycle's arm in victory.
Ring Announcer: And your winner, Justin "D.Cycle" Lee.
The crowd erupts in a mix of boos and cheers. D-Cycle climbs the top rope and raises his arms in triumph. He climbs down and exits with his manager.
Tenay: And the first Assault match ends in controversy, as D-Cycle gets the "W" over a still unconscious Y2J.
Zbyszko: Like the King says, you step in a XIWA ring, you better be ready for anything.
Hurricane Helms is seen running to the Y2J's locker room. Chris Jericho is laying down on a table with various trainers around him.
Hurricane Helms: Never fear, Hurricane is here! My Hurri-senses went off the scale just a bit ago. I was appalled at seeing how Mike Watson took advantage of you. You were the true champion of this match. I will do everything in my Hurri-powers to absolve you of this ugly defeat.
Jericho: What the ...
Hurricane Helms: Never fear, XIWA citizen! I'm off to the Hurri-cave to right this wrong!
Hurricane Helms makes a small jump in the air and runs out of the locker room. The scene shows Jericho and the trainers shaking their heads in confussion.
Tenay: We're back folks. News from the trainers says that Jericho has been cleared to return to the ring for his upcoming matches.
Zbyszko: Did you see the latest XIWA Arena flyer for this month? Wow, I can see why the King like puppies. We have some pretty good sized ones here.
Tenay: No I didn't Legend, I'll be sure to glance at it later. But right now, we have the next match getting ready.
Zbyszko: Making their XIWA debut are... (yawn) Whine-O and Triple "Preparation" H. I didn't know we had a corporate sponsored wrestler!
Tenay: We don't, and that's Rhyno and plain Triple H.
Zbyszko: Well, that certainly won't help in this hemroid of a match.
"Cowboy" by Kid Rock blasts through the arena as Rhyno runs down the ramp to the ring. Part of the crowd sings in unison and another part boos. Rhyno jumps into the ring and dances around. His music fades as Triple H's music coes on the loud speakers. Triple H emerges from under the X-Tron. The crowd goes wild. HHH watches the audience and strides his way down the ramp to the ring. HHH hops into the ring and shoves Rhyno back into a corner. The referee steps between them, temporarily breaking them up, then signals for the bell.
HHH and Rhyno come face to face and start bad mouthing eachother. HHH with a slap across Rhyno's face. Rhyno with an elbow smash to the head. Rhyno with lefts and rights to the head. HHH back into a corner. Rhyno with a running shoulder. HHH side-steps and throws Rhyno shoulder first into the corner. HHH with a clothesline. HHH goes for a quick cover. 1, 2... Rhyno kicks out. HHH with an arm bar. HHH picks Rhyno up and throws him into the ropes. HHH goes for a back body drop. Rhyno stops short and lands an elbow to the back of HHH's head. Rhyno with a standing dropkick. HHH rolls out of the ring. Rhyno springs off the ropes and frog splashes HHH onto the floor. Both men out of the ring. The ref counts. 1, 2, 3, 4... HHH and Rhyno both stand up. HHH with a fist to the head. Rhyno with a fist to the head. 5, 6, 7... HHH runs into the ring. Rhyno follows. HHH with a running clothesline. Rhyno ducks. HHH springs off the ropes again. Rhyno with a drop toe hold. Rhyno rolls HHH into a small package and goes for the pin. 1, 2... HHH kicks out.
Tenay: We've got ourselves a battle here folks. Both men showing they deserve an IC title shot.
Zbyszko: Preparation H looks like he's a little rough around the edges.
Tenay: Maybe so, Legend, but both men are giving it their all.
Zbyszko: Rhyno-Boy better get a pin quick, 'cause Preparation H has been known to last all night.
Rhyno with a chop across the chest. HHH reels back into a corner. Rhyno with an Irish whip across the ring. HHH reverses and follows with a running lariat into the corner. Rhyno down. HHH with a power slam. The crowd goes wild. HHH with a suplex. HHH for the pin. 1, 2... Rhyno kicks out. HHH scoop slams Rhyno. HHH with a drop elbow to the stomach. HHH to the top rope. HHH with a top rope leg drop. Rhyno rolls away and HHH misses. Both men down. Ref counts. 1, 2, 3, 4... Rhyno up to his feet. HHH to his feet. Rhyno with a flying headscissors. HHH to the mat. Rhyno with an ankle lock submission. HHH in pain. Ref asks HHH if he wants to quit. HHH shakes his head no. HHH reaches for the ropes and makes it. The ref asks for a break. Rhyno stomps on HHH's injured ankle. The crowd is mixed in cheers and boos. Rhyno grabs HHH by the hair and throws him into the opposite ropes. Rhyno goes for a back body drop. HHH with a swinging neck breaker. HHH picks Rhyno up and signals for his finisher. HHH with a Pedigree. HHH for the cover. 1, 2, 3... The ref asks for the bell. The ref raises HHH's arm.
Ring Announcer: Your winner, Triple H!
Tenay: A very impressive win for Triple H in his XIWA debut.
Zbyszko: Seems Rhyno was the slippery hemroid tonight. But not slippery enough as the Pedigree finished him off.
Tenay: Some great action here tonight folks. Stay tuned, there's more to come.
Zbyszko: For all the cow folks, that means no out-house and no milk maids for the next hour or two.
Tenay: That was uncalled for Legend.
Zbyszko: I call 'em like I see 'em, Professor...
"Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves."
Voice: "Live and only on PPV.... XIWA® Presents: ThunderDome, October 22nd from the Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas. Two stories of mesh steel, electrified fencing and weapons...."
The Camera begins to show the two story cage. As it pans you can see that the cage's two stories are split in half. Electricity flows through portions of the bottom cage with one steel ladder in the middle of the ring to climb to the second story of the cage. The camera pans up to the second story where we see weapons galore; cuffs, lead pipes, steel chairs, trash can lids, etc...
Voice: "Two men shall enter... but one shall prevail... but who will it be?.. XIWA® presents ThunderDome and you can only see it on PPV...
Tenay: Welcome back to the Five Seasons Center in Cedar Rapids, Iowa! You saw it folks. The electrified cage and all the weapons. ThunderDome is a PPV you do NOT want to miss.
Zbyszko: You got that right Tenay. Finally an event to determine just who IS the best at hardcore style wrestling.
Tenay: We already have "The Chosen One," Jeff Jarrett and Draka signed up for a Key on a Pole match.
Zbyszko: I don't see what is so special about that Pixie chick. But if Draka wants to risk life and limb, who am I to question?
Tenay: Well, Legend, that would be Vicki, and that would ALSO be Draka's valet and female companion.
Zbyszko: I wouldn't care if it was Nikki Nova. I still wouldn't risk my neck to save her. Speaking of which, the King has good word on how Vicki made her money.
Tenay: And we'll leave that for a future discussion, as the wrestlers for the next match make their way to the ring...
"Seek and Destroy" by Metallica rocks through the arena. Cheers rise loud in the arena. Chants of "Hitman" are heard echoing. L.J. "The Hitman" Randall makes his way to the ring. He stops outside and puts his shades on a little girl at ringside. The Hitman enters the ring, asks for a mic, and waits. "Clint Eastwood" by Gorallaz blasts throughout the arena. Heltah Skeltah slowly makes his way from under the X-Tron to the ring. Heltah is decked out in jeans, boots, leather gloves and a t-shirt. The crowd cheers. He hops into the ring and raises his fists into the air. He stares down the Hitman and leans back into a corner. "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor begins to play as Midnight Rider makes his way to the ring. A mixture of cheers and jeers is heard throughout the arena. Chants of "Crier" and "Faker" are heard as the Midnight Rider makes his way into the ring. Rider is likewise decked in jeans, boots, leather gloves and a baseball cap. Midnight Rider gives the Hitman the bird and gives another to Heltah.
Hitman: Midnight Rider, this is your put up, or shut up time. You cost me a win against Heltah here. Your little bed buddy Undertaker decided to try to interfere in my match this past Monday night at Carnage. You even look at my funny, I'll Sharpshoot your ass back to the backwoods from wence you came. And if your 'Taker friend makes another appearence, I'll show him how a dead man's SUPPOSED to walk. Oh, Rider... One more thing, may the best Heltah win...
Hitman shoves Rider back into a corner then signals for the bell. Rider charges towards Hitman, but is met with a clothesline from Heltah. Hitman signals for the bell. Heltah with a scoop slam and a quick cover. Hitman with a quick 1, 2... Rider kicks out. Heltah with a boot to the head. Rider up to his feet. Heltah with a whip into the corner. Heltah charges in with a running lariat. Rider ducks and shoves Heltah over the ropes. Rider climbs the top rope. Hitman leans on the top rope as if looking at the action, causing Rider to fall crotch first into the turnbuckle. Heltah to his feet. Rider falls to the mat. Heltah climbs into the ring. Heltah with an elbow drop. Heltah picks Rider up to his feet. Rider into the ropes. Heltah goes for a clothesline. Rider ducks. Rider off the ropes. Rider with a flying cross-body. Rider with a pin. Hitman tunrs away and holds his eye.
Zbyszko: Looks like the Hitman has something in his eye, Tenay.
Tenay: Here comes the double cross the Midnight Ridar was talking about.
Zbyszko: They say what goes around comes around...
Rider slaps his hand on the mat three times and looks to the Hitman. Hitman goes for the count. 1... Heltah kicks out. Rider makes a fist and goes to punch the Hitman. Heltah with fist to the side. Rider rolls away. Heltah and Rider to their feet. Heltah and Rider with rights and lefts to eachother. Hitman breaks them up and shoves Rider into a corner.
All of a sudden the crowd begins to boo and cheer. The Undertaker begins to make his way down the ramp and to ringside. He climbs up to the apron. Hitman walks over and gives the Undertaker an elbow to the head. Taker to the floor. Hitman begins to shout at Taker to leave ringside. Rider reaches into his shorts. Rider hits Heltah with the foreign object. Heltah out cold. Rider with the pin. Rider slaps his hand on the mat three times. Hitman looks over in disgust. Hitman goes for the count. 1... Hitman looks at Heltah. 2... Hitman slows the count even further. Hitman slowly brings his hand down for the final count. He holds his hand inches above the mat, waiting for a kick out from Heltah. 3... Hitman jumps up and signals for the bell.
Ring Announcer: And your winner, the Midnight Rider!
Tenay: You witnessed it here folks. Another controversial win for the Midnight Rider.
Zbyszko: What was the dead stiff walking doing down at ringside anyways? Shouldn't he have been digging a grave or something?
Tenay: You know when Heltah Skeltah finally wakes up, he's going to looking for payback.
Zbyszko: And you know what they say Professor. Paybacks are a Vicki...
The Midnight Rider and the Undertaker walk up the ramp with fists in the air in victory. The crowd boos and throws trash at them. Hitman grabs a mic and signals for the crowd to settle down.
Hitman: Hey jobbers! Yeah, I'm talking to you two punks. Don't think you are getting away THAT easily. Not by a LONG shot. You see, once again, you had the odds as two to one in YOUR favor Midnight Rider. Not again. So, come next week at Assault, I'm making the odds even. You and the Overfaker against me and Heltah in a first blood match. I don't know how you scammed this match, but it ISN'T going to happen again. You WILL be excellently executed!
Tenay: Strong words from the student of the Hart family. Don't miss out on this showdown of Hart students, Rider and the Hitman.
Zbyszko: I think Rider has a new profession that just started tonight, Professor.
Tenay: What's that Legend?
Zbyszko: Clock cleaning...
The Hitman Randall and Heltah Skeltah are recounting the match in the back. Hurricane Helms leaps into the scene. The wrestlers look annoyed.
Hurricane Helms: Never fear XIWA citizens, Hurricane is here! I can't believe what went on earlier! My Hurri-senses went hurri-haywire! WHAT an injustice!
Hitman: Take a hike, caped cruisader.
Hurricane Helms: Oh, turn that frown upside down! And you Mr Hel... Mr Hecktah, don't despair, I will right this wrong. You will be victorious, because good always wins, because gosh darn it, good is just TOO good! Be calm and rest up, Hurricane is on the job! Off to the Hurri-cave I go! Take care XIWA citizens!
Hurricane Helms is seeing mock flying out of the scene. Hitman and Heltah stand there shaking their heads.
Scene shows Mike Tenay standing just under the X-Tron with Kimberly Page. The fans are yelling and screaming Kim's name. Whistles are heard throughout the arena and flashes of cameras are seen snapping from all over.
Tenay: I'm here with Kimberly Page, the interim CEO of the XIWA. First off, Miss Page, your comments on the debut of Assault tonight here in Cedar Rapids, Iowa?
Kim Page: I would like to thank the crowd tonight for the wonderful turnout. Without fans like you, none of this would be possible! With that said, I need to address a few things that I feel need attention. Jeff Jarrett, do you REALLY think you can get away with interfering in matches, using illegal tactics to win matches and kidnapping a XIWA valet? Your time will come soon enough. I just hope Shawn Maverick leaves enough of your carcass for me to kick around afterwards!
Tenay: Looks like he chose the wrong person to cross. What do you make of Arriba's advances towards you?
Kim Page: I don't know why he is following me around, locking me in rooms and sending me all sorts of gifts. I have no attraction to him. I don't know WHY he calls himself the Latin Lover or Latin Heartthrob. More like Latin Rover or Latin Heartburn. Why do you think he wears a mask?
Tenay: How long do you think you'll stay on as XIWA interim CEO?
Kim Page: As long as it takes to rid the XIWA of scum like Hasha, Jarrett and Arriba. And you can bet your ASS on it!
Tenay: You heard it here folks! The XIWA interim CEO has spoken!
Voice: "The Xtreme Internet Wrestling Alliance... What The World Is Watching..."
Highlights of Monday Night Carnage appear on the screen. Fans cheer for the SSM clips. A scene of Jarrett is booed.
Tenay: Back here in the booth fans. I'm the Professor Mike Tenay. Joining me is my partner in announcing crime, the Living Legend, Larry Zbyszko.
Zbyszko: We've had an intense night here in the backwoods. Everything from an anal ointment to a psycho in his underwear.
Tenay: Always excitement here in live XIWA action. Our main event is up next. The first bout in the IC Title tournament.
Zbyszko: Yes Tenay, we have Hellfire, oh excuse my language... HECKfire for all you Hurri-people out there... sheesh... He's squaring up against the man so quaintly coined as the Overfaker, by the Hitman earlier tonight.
Tenay: I don't think the Undertaker will be faking in this all important match. The Undertaker has been beaten twice already by Hellfire.
Zbyszko: I'd like to be beaten by Hellfire's valet, the lovely Kill Kill Beast.
Tenay: Speaking of which, here come our wrestlers to the ring...
Zbyszko: Quiet Tenay, here comes Kill Kill...
The arena goes black. "Rollin'" by Limp Bizkit blasts through the crowd as the lights go up showing the Undertaker riding his cycle to ringside. He parks the cycle and climbs into the ring. An ear-shattering array of boos are heard as he awaits Hellfire. The arena goes black once again. The X-Tron lights up and shows video clips of the Undertaker being beaten by Hellfire the previous two weeks. Undertaker moves to the ropes, motioning Hellfire to emerge. The four corner posts light up with red fire and stop as the house lights come back on. No one appears below the X-Tron. The fans are cheering wildly. The bell sounds...
The Undertaker turns around and is met with a clothesline by Hellfire. Hellfire picks Taker up by the throat and throws him into a corner. Hellfire with an elbow to the head. Hellfire with a fist to the stomach. Hellfire with a hip toss. Hellfire with a boot to the head. Hellfire picks Taker up power slams him. Hellfire with the pin. 1, 2... Taker kicks out.
Tenay: Looks like Hellfire means business tonight, Legend.
Zbyszko: And the Overfaker is on the receiving end of this ass kicking business...
Hellfire rolls the Undertaker out of the ring, then follows. Taker with a fist to the head. Hellfire with a chop. Taker with a boot to the midsection. Taker with an elbow to the back. Taker with a whip into the steps. Hellfire reverses and Taker hits hard. Hellfire picks Taker up and throws him into the ring. Hellfire to the top rope. Hellfire with a missile drop kick. Taker down hard. Hellfire waves his hand in the air.
Tenay: Here it comes! The Undertaker is going Straight to Hell!
Zbyszko: Looking like he does, you'd think he already is a member...
Hellfire picks Taker up and gives him the Straight to Hell (jack-knife powerbomb). Hellfire with the pin. 1, 2, 3... The referee signals for the bell.
Ring Announcer: And your winner of the IC tounament match, HELLFIRE!!!
Tenay: What a slaughter Legend!
Zbyszko: I haven't seen a beating like this since I made Ric Flair scream bloody murder!
Tenay: Folks, there you have it. Assault, XIWA style! It's what the world is watching...
Zbyszko: You said it Professor.
Tenay: I'm the Professor, Mike Tenay along with the Living Legend, Larry Zbyszko. Until next time everybody!
Scene fades into Hasha Koroshiya talking to the man in black. Hasha is seen handing money to the man in black. The man in black nods. Hasha and the man in black both laugh and hi-five eachother. Hasha looks over his shoulder and runs at the camera. Hasha roundhouse kicks the cameraman. The camera falls showing the man in black giving the cameraman a powerslam. Camera fades to black...